A beginner’s Guide to Facebook

Posted: April 6, 2010 in Life so far!

Me : Mom , Have you heard of Facebook?
Mum: “Kaunsi book??”

Me: Dad , have you heard of Facebook?
Dad: Is it your office project? I’m sure you’ll nail it :)

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it (or, in above case, knowing of it at all) doesn’t go away. Think of it this way, Shakira without her belly dance, ur passport pic with an ugly zit on your nose, your fav t-shirt on 60% sale just after you bought it, Sachin suffering from amnesia and forgot to bat, or you being born mute.
Fact remains, reality goes unnoticed until you see the lack of it.

I can bet the then-inglorious Harvard drop out, Mark Zuckerberg’s idea of launching FB wasn’t his first, only god knows how depressing and fatally boring his life must’ve been to even think of it. He probably was starting to learn how to make a bomb or to abduct children under 5 or how to make weed and smuggle all over the world bt eventually zeroed down on the belief that “getting other people’s lives messed up and their privacy deeply fucked in the name of Social networking “ would make him more money than anything else in the best possible legal way.

I’m sure his psyche slept in peace when psychologists introduced a diagnosis named FAD (Facebook Addiction Disorder) as a new kind of addiction disorder.
Also see : Facebook-o-somnia
Also see : Facebookly ill

As my friend rightly quotes: Back in the days, TV united our families, Damn Facebook – divided it all. While his mother still sits on that couch in front of tv and prays Anandi (Ref: Balika Vadhu) doesn’t die of that gunshot, this friend sits and prays that his fb friend list crosses 300 soon. (Seriously, what?)

Seriously look at yourself, you failed the most imp exam of ur life, Your gf dumped you, your boss fired you, your honeymoon was exotic, your divorce wasn’t! From as trivial as the drunken party you had last night to something as magnanimous as admiring Sachin play the innings of a lifetime, your one time facebook-ignorant soul now found a friend to vent itself out in the world of virtual reality.

Having said and done, this guide takes you to the next level of learning (or unlearning?) and for those self proclaimed Fb addicts who believe to have mastered it all, reality check is exactly what you need, cuz believe it or not, YOU make a great potential for a facebook rehabilitation group in the truest sense of the term, and you successfully qualify to be admitted if you fulfill at least one of the below criterias mentioned:

1. Your default homepage is FB
2. You check your FB account every 7 min or less of your life.
3. You have FB “bookmarked”.
4. You showed sincere grief when your office blocked FB
5. You have FB as your alternate window opened even while reading this post.
6. You believe the no.of “likes” on your FB status is equally proportional to the intensity of your perpetual happiness.
7. You are a fan of the page “addicted to facebook” on FB.
8. And most importantly, you think your farm is prettier than your neighbor’s! :)

And for those, who managed to pass the above test, hold that stinky smirk of yours right there, humble yourself and take a look at the following situations that are only intended to hit you hard and help you deal with it.

Guide to avoid unwanted friends requests:
Situation 1: You got a friend request from a school friend who never said even a hi or even looked at you in class, never bothered to stay in touch even later also, and suddenly sent u a request just because you got 20 common friends???

Step 1 and only step: Ignore the request and feel relieved. Do not let the guilt get into you, you are NOT rude, NOT arrogant and NEITHER ignorant by nature. You just saved yourself from adding one a$$hole who was never even worthy of it.

Guide to avoid friends in your list you always wanted to ignore:
You already made a mistake of adding someone who didn’t deserve to be there?

Step 1: Go to edit friends
Step 2: Search for this friend
Step 3: Delete him off.

Relax yourself; it will be quite a task for him to find that one person gone from his list of 347 friends. :)

Guide to avoid unwanted updates:
Have friends updating pathetic songs’ lyrics or their ugly poetic skills as their status msgs?

Step 1: Go to the news feed.
Step 2: Look for option “hide” to the right of the status, press it for once and for all, and they’ll no longer be on your news feed,whatsoever! :P

Guide to be taken seriously on FB:

This is for all you attention seekers; we all know how miserable your life is.
We know you are one of those who’d update – “I’m ill, I’m running down with fever, I’m in hospital, suffering from cold, swine flu or brain cancer.”
This is for you dumb pricks.
If you are active on FB, you are definitely NOT dying. Expecting any heartfelt sympathies can be the joke of the day.

Guide to avoid falling in trap: Partying out on a Wed or Sunday evening, drinking like a fish and calling in sick the next morning! For heavens sake – have some common sense and DO NOT upload pics from last night.
You don’t want your boss come to you & say: “I have seen pics of you crawling in gutter last night, I’m not amused or impressed, now get to work!”

Guide to avoid moaning in your facebook status: The most annoying thing one can do is update a status msg like Rahul Sharma – “is sorry for whatever he did to Anjali Mehta and really apologizes to her and he misses her like crazy and loves her a lot” . For the love of god, If you have got something to say to someone personally, say it, Don’t POST it. Neither am I interested to see your self-indulgent awfulness nor I care what you did to Anjali Mehta ;)

Guide to avoid adding single-serving holiday friends:
Some people just don’t understand that the exchanging of email addresses at the end of a holiday is just a social ritual and is absolutely not an invitation to add you to Facebook and then turn up unannounced at your house three months later.

Hope the guide helps you as much as it helped me.

P.S – The characters in the above post are purely intended to ridicule, pass a sarcasm or is direct satire towards some absolute psyched out characters in my real life.
I totally intend to hurt feelings, challenge the sensibilities and question the common sense of some of such epitomes who breathe and walk amongst us.

  1. shivani masson says:

    Good read…!!

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